Shrinking

"Feel this. Is that a lump?" The "real" lump is in the left breast. I am pointing to the very top of my right breast, making Michael play doctor, and not in the fun way.

"That's your rib," he informs me, almost before touching to check.

"But it feels different than the other side," I say, now poking at and rubbing both sides of my chest.

"So your ribcage is crooked," he says mildly, continuing to brush his teeth. "Beats cancer." And I laughed.

I am trying not to be an obsessive "poker" - some women conduct hourly breast self exams after diagnosis, trying to divine whether new lumps are showing up or if the tumor is growing. For me, it's best to be aware of what is going on with my body but not to torture myself. So I try to limit my checks to once a week.

Wednesday, the day before Chemo Round 2, I checked in the shower. It felt smaller. But I was aware that could just be wishful thinking.

At chemo yesterday, the news was encouraging. I'm not crazy - the doctor agrees that the tumor is smaller. It seems that I am shrinking a bit too: I managed to lose a couple of pounds, despite Christmas parties, some comfort eating, no exercise other than a few yoga sessions and my usual walking all over the city, and the evidence suggesting that most pre-menopausal women gain weight on chemo (slowed metabolism, steroids, inactivity). I credit my reduced interest in drinking and sugar for the change. Good thing Saltines aren't too terrible for you! Maybe I should dye them red and green for Christmas.

Chemo itself was not too bad either. Mom and Dad are in town for Christmas, so once again I was surrounded by love and beauty for the 4 hours of checking in, waiting around, tests, more waiting, tests again, and finally the infusions of the 2 drugs.

I have been lucky to only feel mildly ill with Round 1, and so far not at all nauseated on Round 2. I had some bad headaches the first few days and anticipate they may happen again, but drugs and staying hydrated help with that. I have not had the "metallic mouth" that many women describe, nor have I suffered from the "severe bone pain" they warn can be a possibility with the shot administered the day after chemo to keep white blood cell counts high.

I have the energy to work after I take the post-chemo Friday and the weekend off. I still have my hair, although I suspect it won't be long now - Matt is bringing his clippers and razor for Christmas.

You can see from the timestamp that I am up in the middle of the night - not uncommon with the drugs, and also since I went to bed at 9:30 pm. But that should normalize over the next day or two. If not, the perhaps I can finally manage to stay awake late enough to catch Santa.

Oh yes - my "new lump" is indeed a rib. Crooked ribs do beat cancer, and I will too.