Masquerade

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I am not tempted to buy clothes. This is partly because I know my body will be different a few months from now. These changes may be both good (shirts will actually button over my chest without gaping!) and bad (they say that pre-menopausal women who go through chemo gain 15 pounds on average. Great - I can look forward to being bald AND fat).

But it's also because I have a newfound interest in accessories and makeup. Hats, sunglasses, scarves, earrings, lipgloss, eyeliner - I've bought them in multiples the past couple of weeks. I have no idea what to expect when I wake up on December 22, look in the mirror and find a hairless Courtney staring back at me. But I want to be well armed.

When I first got my diagnosis and called Kelly to tell her the news, she said all the wonderfully supportive and sympathetic things I knew I could count on her to not only say, but mean. Then in a more conspiratorial tone, she asked, "So, have you stood in front of the mirror yet with your hair slicked back to see what you'll look like bald?" I laughed - of course I had, even though it had been less than 24 hours since I had seen the doctor.

But it's hard to imagine the bald look. I do have a wig on order that will be ready this week, made of real human hair, highlighted like my own. I tried on a sample - it looked like me but with a better blowout. They can even paint in roots to make it look more realistic! (although it occurs to me that I am not sure who I think I will be fooling, since the existence of this website is proof that I am hardly a closed book...)

But people say you get tired of wearing the wig all the time. They can be hot and uncomfortable. Most women strip off the wig the minute they walk in the door, trading it it for a knit cap to stay warm inside. And on weekends running errands, I imagine I will be fine with just throwing on a hat. But I think I may need the armor of dangly earrings and fabulous sunglasses to truly feel ready for my closeup.

In the absence of bald shots or "real" wig pictures, I will leave you with one potential look - if there is a problem with the one I have ordered, I always have the option of wearing either one or both of the wigs that transformed me into Cruella deVil for Halloween*...

*shown here with Susan as a Palm Beach Bag Lady, Gretchen as a geisha, Bill as George Washington and an unidentified ghoul at the 69th Street Halloween Block Party